Why am I up at 11:40 pm? And not even the least bit tired. That's messed up. I have no right to be un-tired!!! Hello!! McFly!!! Maybe my naps from the weekend are catching up to me now. Except that I know I am going to be tired tomorrow!!! I have been lying in bed for the last 2 hours...and nothing. I finally had to get up, or go crazy. Looked at drapes for the bedroom online. Now I figure I may as well jot some of my recent, but still unshared, thoughts down.
So, yes. Some thoughts have been brewing in my head the last week as I've been out there slogging away on my hot and hurtin' runs. I don't think the same way on the bike, never really too much of an issue for me - at least not in the pain department, and you really do have to pay a little more attention...and the swim I am usually focused so much on my form, and counting laps (which I never get right), that I have little time to think of anything else. But the run...well that's a different story. It's just one foot in front of the other, again and again and again...and again. Thankfully, there are times when the body just takes over and I do get pretty meditative...other times I can't help but think a lot. So this last week it occurred to me that there are times lately where I am out there almost fighting the process. I realized that I don't want to do that. I want to get to that starting line knowing I put everything I could into this, and that I learned a lot in the process. I mean, that's what this is all about right? Nobody is making me do this - I want to do this! And I want to be able to look back on this training with more than just a memory of pain. It occurred to me that this training is similar in ways to giving birth. I remember one of the nurses telling me, after 12 hours of hard labour and only 3 cm to show for it, that my body was starting to fight the contractions, rather than working with them. And if I could just give my body over to them, it would go a lot faster and smoother. I started thinking the same thing on my runs this week. Sunday's long run was rough, but as it got rough, I just reminded myself to give over to the process and let my body just go with it. Stop fighting it and just go with it. And honestly it did make it better. Gerry once said to me that there are times where he has offered up gratitude for being able to feel the pain - that is, gratitude that we have bodies that allow us to do this!! Welcome the pain! Sounds perverse (and I guess it is on some level), but truly it makes the pain less and gives it a point! Truth is I am grateful to have a body (and a will) that allows me to push myself to these limits. My Mum is funny sometimes on this Ironman thing...she has been very supportive, and I am so thrilled she is going to be at the race to support me...but I am sure she thinks I am nuts, and doesn't totally get it. "Oh! You are really pushing yourself love" she'll say in her very concerned way. Yes! That's exactly the whole point! Just what are my limits? I wanna find out! I mean seriously - Who Knew I Could Do This??? It's a freaking miracle.
I read in the USAT mag a few issues ago - "It's not a miracle you'll finish the race - you WILL finish - it's a miracle you had the courage to start the training in the first place!" or something like that. And I thought, how true is that. How often do we actually start out trying to do something that we really truly don't know if we can do. And here I am. I'm pretty excited that I've made it this far. I am pretty sure at this point that I can do the race. Right now, it would still be utterly god-awful, but I have 12 more weeks to push that Wall out a few more miles. I'm giving myself over completely to the process. Just remind me of that next time I complain about the pain, ok?
Happy Training (and dreaming?)
Kat
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